GREG GUTFELD: Since Trump's assassination attempt, we've learned a lot more about Cheatle

GREG GUTFELD: So Kamala Harris has chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate. I think I speak for millions of Americans when I say, who? So this is Governor Walz. There he is. Do you know we're the same age? I know, I know. He looks like the founder of a law firm specializing in personal injury. He looks like the guy at church who remarries one month after his wife mysteriously passes away. He looks like a high school football coach who made sure everyone showered after practice. 

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Now, I don't want to say Tim is far-left, but even Bernie Sanders is like, Holy s---, you picked him? During the BLM riots, Walz blamed the unrest on a lack of equality and inclusion. He called the events exciting, for they created a sense of optimism. Yeah, I guess they should have burned down more buildings. 

After all, nothing is more equal than fire. But I guess Walz is a Molotov cocktail, a half-full kind of guy. I bet that 9/11 really helped people in Lower Manhattan afford rent. Too soon? Walz has a 100% rating from Planned Parenthood, earning him total support from Kamala's husband's former nanny. 

So why did Kamala Harris choose Walz as her running mate? Apparently, he was the only one who didn't laugh and hang up when she called. Meanwhile, a group of comedians including Ben Stiller, Kathy Griffin and Rosie O'Donnell held a fundraiser over a Zoom call on Monday called ‘Comics for Kamala.’

Wow. I guess no good comics wanted to do it. By the way, Rosie said she bought 100 Kamala t-shirts and will not take them off until Kamala's in the White House. In a related story, Kamala's website is out of triple extra large. 

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All right, so you remember Kimberly Cheatle, the ex-Secret Service head who almost let Donald Trump get assassinated in rural Pennsylvania because nobody noticed there was a convenient roof just shooting distance from where Trump stood? Sorry, lots of people noticed. They just weren't in the Secret Service. 

There was also a guy running around with a rifle. Other than that, no signs of trouble. Well, since then, we've learned a lot more about Cheatle, as she was appointed by Biden in 2022 after serving out his detail when he was VP, which was an easy job when Bin Laden thought Biden was far more damaging to America alive. But not only does Cheatle suck at stopping people from shooting, she can't keep them from snorting either. Remember that coke they found in the White House a year ago? 

You know, we might have mentioned it a time or 20 here on this show. I haven't talked about cocaine that much since I was Larry Kudlow's dealer. Remember how the most elite, well-funded law enforcement agency in the world just couldn't seem to figure out where that stuff came from? Even though it's in the most heavily secured building in the country. Well, as Susan Crabtree at RealClear Politics reports, Cheatle may have wanted the evidence destroyed.

Cheatle was, quote, ‘pissed off that her order to destroy the evidence was denied.’ Well, who does she think she is? Hillary Clinton? Hunter, a well-known cokehead, had been staying in the White House, and then, oddly, coke was found in the White House. What a coincidence. That's like finding a case of pies under Chris Christie's bed. But come on, you say Hunter wouldn't leave something that vital to him just anywhere. It's not like a laptop or a child…oh. 

But apparently, DNA testing had begun, but not finished. Perhaps because if it was completed, then they'd have something to report. Meanwhile, the media was happy to let this story dissipate like a fart in a crowded elevator. Seriously, what happened to this story? Seems like a perfect assignment for a real reporter. Except for one problem. The dope in the White House was a Democrat, and it's a Democrat whose policies and competence and mental state were already under fire. Now imagine if this were a Trump White House. It would be the lead story on every channel. It would be worse than Watergate, the end of democracy, and yet another reason Trump is unfit for office. Sorry, the only drug the Trump kids are taking is calcium. 

Now, the Secret Service is denying this report. A spokesperson told Fox that this is false and there are retention policies for criminal investigations and the Secret Service adhered to those requirements during the case. Well, maybe, but there was a time when we might have believed that. That time was before Trump was nearly killed, and they flat-out lied to us about it. They claim they didn't turn down repeated requests for extra security. That was not a misstatement, nor a mistake, but a lie. So why would they lie about this too? Meanwhile, a Homeland Security Inspector general report just revealed that texts were deleted from the phones of agents on duty during the January 6th riot. Wonder why they would do that? 

Well, according to Crabtree, the Secret Service wiped the texts to clean up for the agency's performance on Jan. 6th, so you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to see the pattern here. Hell, you don't even need to be John Holmes. Now, the attack on Trump was mere weeks ago, but the media has already moved on. We still don't know why the shooter did it and nobody seems to care. It's just like the coke story. 

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Which makes us wonder what the hell is going on…unguarded roofs, no counter-drones, knowledge of a man with a rangefinder, photos of the shooter by the Secret Service a half hour before the shooting, not checking IDs, rally goers pointing out crooks to law enforcement…and nothing being done. The president not being taken off the stage despite knowledge of a threat, video of the gunman in plain sight beforehand…I've seen bars at spring break with better security. 

Was Kimberly Cheatle in charge or SirHan SirHan? The Secret Service blamed heat, sloped roofs and local police. Then FBI head Christopher Wray lied and said that Trump may not have been shot. Was it like Thomas Crooks was James Bond? 

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He did everything he could to arouse suspicion. Were all those government agents failures? Or was Crooks the only government agent that failed? That sounds crazy. It is crazy. But if we ever want to find out the truth, we'll probably have to hire Oliver Stone.