GREG GUTFELD: Why so sad, liberals? Study shows young liberals more depressed than conservatives

Hi, I want your hands to bleed, I'm kidding, maybe. Happy Thursday, everybody and it's a glorious Thursday. 

But tonight's big question: Why are young liberals so depressed, especially when compared to their righty counterparts? The studies show it, and you can see it for yourselves. Do these people look like they're having a good day? Maybe if you define a good day as resting your genitals in a bowl of battery acid. Don't knock it. So what's behind this agony? Are they liberals because they're depressed or are they depressed because they're liberals? It's the old what came first, the responsibly raised chicken or the organic egg? The quick answer, they're not watching uplifting programs like this one. I'm surprised Colbert's credits don't end with how to tie a noose. Very depressing, sometimes I cry. 

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But to get to the bottom of this, you actually do need a former lefty. This week, Matt Yglesias covered a 2022 academic paper titled The Politics of Depression, which comes complete with a beautiful chart. You know, you can trust anything with a chart that has colors, and numbers and lines. Sometimes they're even shaped like pies, so fat people can understand them.

ANNOUNCER: A FATPHOBE WOULD SAY!

Everybody who laughed at that joke has to go. 

But there's lots going on here, so let me simplify it for you. The line at the top, the dark blue, those are female liberals and as you can see, if you look closely over the years, their depression levels have gone up faster than the price of hamburger under Joe Biden, so they're the most depressed. But right underneath them, male liberals, which make sense they're never on top of anything. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Thank you. But the least depressed? Conservatives, men and women. So what's the deal? 

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Yglesias writes, "Some of it might be selection effect, with progressive politics becoming a more congenial home for people who are miserable... But... adult progressives... now valorize depression as a sign of political commitment." So to put that in English, adult liberals incentivize misery. The worse you feel and the more you express it, the better you do in these circles. As Matt points out, the left loves misery porn, and part of their kink is sharing it with young people. It's like doom is their white van, and they lure in kids with promises of attention, and it's street cred. Here's their mating call.

ACTIVIST: They challenge it. The corporations challenge it. The student loan lenders challenge that. That is not right. That is not fair.

When liberals push the idea that social injustice exists everywhere and everyone's out to get you, when we live in a white supremacist world, of course you're going to be depressed. On the other hand, you might get your own show on MSNBC, but it's a self-fulfilling cycle that feeds itself around the clock like Ana Navarro. 

Teens walk on eggshells, worried about how innocent words might get them canceled. Minorities are told they'll never succeed on their own and in seven years, the world is going to end because bigots keep making grilled cheese on gas powered stoves. No wonder everyone's so angry and depressed. Look at Greta Thunberg, she was asked to leave a Chuck E. Cheese on her fifth birthday because she was bumming out the other customers. That's not a true story. But does it matter? 

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So it's not a chicken or egg question at all, it's a learned behavior. Once your drama gets a spotlight, you turn it up to 11. And so at a young age, they're told the world sucks, there's no way to win, and then you get rewarded for embracing envy and victimhood. That's how you get Rachel Dolezal. That's how you get Jussie Smollett. But if you want to find out what happiness looks like, it's not at rallies or at protests where being unhinged is rewarded. It's at football games, Halloween parties, barbecues, gun ranges, Christmas concerts, people watching raunchy comedies or listening to comedians. 

It's people having fun, and it's just about everything that young leftists seek to ban. Remember, wokeism isn't just an attack on reason it's an attack on fun. So all you young, depressed lefties watching and there's got to be at least three of you who tuned in to learn about Relief Factor. 

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Remember the old adage: Misery loves company and that's company you don't want to keep. Happiness is there if you want it, and you can have it, it's easy, and it's just harder than crying like a little bitch.