So, breaking news everyone. Do you know what's destroying America? Adjectives. Yes, it's true. Words like cruel, rough, sharp, gentle, sleek, slippery – sounds like last night in Hemmer's hot tub.

Anyway, adjectives are bad, which is also an adjective. So how bad is bad? Well, Dana Milbank, some old crank from The Washington Post, commissioned a report that counted adjectives in the coverage of our last two presidents. And he found Joe is the target of way more negative words than the previous president – you remember him: the evil orange monster from planet Hitler.

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So, what's the proof? Milbank actually had firm count adjectives in articles – comparing what Biden received in the first 11 months of 2021 – to Trump in the first 11 months of 2020. They called this: "sentiment analysis."

The authorities did the same thing to my diary after I burned down that men's big and tall store. The conclusion: the media's meaner to Joe than Trump. Now, that makes about as much sense as a chicken in a thong. It's like me at a wet market selling bat nachos. No one should buy it.

Still: according to the firm's VP, "the media are serving as accessories to the murder of democracy." And the murder weapons, are adjectives.

So, in short, a biased writer at a biased paper commissioned a biased firm to study media bias, and surprise, he thinks media's biased against Joe. How convenient.

Here's Milbank regurgitating the data on CNN.

Dana Milbank, December 6: the last 4 months, however, Biden has been at where Donald Trump was or lower in terms of media sentiment. It is not bias; it is the actual words we are using. We are as negative as a collective media on Joe Biden, if not more so than we were to Donald Trump at a time he was trying to overthrow democracy. And I think that is a tremendous indictment of the whole industry. // You know it is not full proof but it gives a pretty good number and we never had such a number before.

We've never had such a number before. That's because it's the first time you did this! And you were the one who commissioned it! What a circle of jerks.

So as usual, the media's lies are like Stelter's man boobs. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. And this analysis has more holes in it than the ceiling of the spare room I rent out to college students.

It's obvious to anyone alive the past five years that the media's treatment of Trump was way worse, with or without adjectives. They were obsessed with Trump, and they still can’t let him go. No one’s asking Alec Baldwin to do a Biden impersonation. Although no one’s asking Alec anything, unless they’re behind bullet-proof glass.

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For example, only 19 percent of Biden’s first 60 days have been negative – impressive, when you consider he was unconscious for 50 of them. That ranked best among presidents of the last three decades. Trump’s first 60 days received a 62 percent negative rating. Fact is, the press didn't just report on Trump, they led the resistance. Covering every protest, every march.

Trump was treated worse than Charlie Sheen at a blood bank. But you should already know that. And if you don't, you're probably some drunk guy in underwear dancing on a bar counter.

Now, Milbank claims the media was very kind to Biden, until August, then something happened. What could it be?

Montage of the Afghanistan disaster

Yeah, that happened. Of course, Milbank sees the downturn as evil bias – when in reality the media could no longer cover for Biden’s wrinkled butt since the public could see his incompetence with their own eyes. There was no spin between the Afghan disaster and the viewer. The implosion was right there for all to see.

But what Milbank twists as media bias, is actually a somber realization that the horse they backed broke its ankle going into the first turn, and is too old to put out to stud. It used to be they could cover for Joe.

Literally, they let him live in a basement like a millennial with a liberal arts degree – while running for president. We only heard from him when Dr. Jill went down to do laundry. He was the first to campaign standing next to the washer/dryer and a litterbox.

And then when that story about Hunter's laptop came out, they buried him faster than the guy in the trunk of Henry Hill’s car.

And speaking of Hunter – because no one is: This week the White House flagged the art industry as a corrupt enterprise, due to lack of transparency, and unpredictable pricing. Meaning - you could charge someone hundreds of thousands of dollars for crappy art - and get away with it.

So, what's that sound like to you? Yes, the White House is blasting art industry corruption, as they allow Hunter to sell his artwork to anonymous buyers for a half mill.

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Why isn't that a story? Does it have too many adjectives? Sleazy? Gross? Infantile, coke-fueled? But it's just another cover-up – just like all the others.

And remember -- the institutions that swayed the election actually bragged about it in Time magazine - as tech, the media and other groups came together to drag old Joe across the finish line? That meant not reporting on the riots and rising crime, denouncing any mention of the Hunter laptop, or the big guy's links to China.

I wonder what the president has to say.

Tom Shillue as Biden: Look, look everyone knows the press is tough on me alright? They certainly don’t cozy up to me the way they did my predecessor; I’ll tell you that. But we got a good team—we fight back. Ron Klain—bring the pain. Jen Psaki—circle backy. I know how to fight alright. You come at me, I’ll take you down. I fought in the Six Day War with Golda Meir—that’s real, I give her credit. But without me that would’ve lasted 7-8 days minimum. But that’s true, I’m serious. Not joking about that.

The media's realized they married a corpse, and it's starting to rot. But it's not just Joe who's rotting. It's the media. No one is buying their BS anymore. Not even the left.

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So, like newlyweds returning from Barbados, Milbank realizes the fun part is done and reality's set in. So he creates new BS to paper over the old BS. But hey, maybe we need more soul-searching.

Dana Milbank, December 6: I think we really need to do some soul-searching and think about what it is we are delivering to people and I think the media consumer should look at what we are saying with a grain of salt, knowing we see it as our job to be negative, to be adversarial.

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Sorry Dana - to do any soul searching, first you need a soul, and the will to search it. The media's got neither.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the December 7, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"