Greg Gutfeld: 'Gutfeld!' is here to scare the people who love to scare you

All right, here we are again, a brand new show and a brand new Greg. I'm as giddy as Kamala Harris explaining kids in cages or Woody Allen hearing about kids in cages. If you've been watching "The Greg Gutfeld Show" on Saturdays, welcome. If you love "The Five" and felt the need for more GG, that's awesome. If you ended up here because you thought your TV was the microwave oven, it's good to see you, Mr. President. Your pizza will be warm in two minutes, and Hunter, he brought the extra cheese.

You all made a great choice. For proof, let's see what Brian Williams is up to right now over at MSNBC.

"Good evening. I'm Brian Williams and I am on Mars. Yes, I jumped on a chopper and now I'm on Mars. I've been here for a year now. I built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and marshmallows. This is where I invented all the COVID vaccines, as well as penicillin, the smartphone and Fluffernutter."

Some things never change. Meanwhile, what's on CNN?

"You, sir, are a racist, racist, racist, White male racist."

That's from the Don Lemon hour. He reports the news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer.

As for those late night shows we're supposed to compete against, why bother? Who do they offend? The only time Stephen Colbert ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight. The definition of risk to Kimmel is dehydration from crying too much. Fallon, that guy fawns more than a herd of deer. And I heard Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah ran off to be obscure together.

So let them be. They've got the market cornered on calling Americans stupid. To them, it was never about Trump. It's Trump voters. It's not about guns, but gun owners. It's not just about destroying statues it's anyone who thinks math is real.

FOX NEWS' NEW LATE-NIGHT PROGRAM 'GUTFELD!' KICKS OFF ALL THIS WEEK AT 11 PM ET

It's not the issue. It's the easy targets, meaning you and me. I like bashing creeps in power, those stupid talking piñatas in politics, entertainment and especially the news media because they're all the same people -- or in Mark Zuckerberg's case, things that look like people. It's also because the only way they make money is by making people hate each other. It's not enough to say respectful disagreement makes less money. You have to say it's racist. That's why to them, Twitter is a news source. It created "cancel culture," a crowdsourced version of a hit piece, a GoFundMe page for character assassination.

The press used to write these hit pieces themselves. Now they encourage steel cage matches so they can sell ads and ratings, repurposing tweets into click bait because it's profitable. Cancer culture is to the media what an ATM in the lobby of a casino is to an addicted gambler. It's democratized media destruction, putting a Joker mask on reality and declaring everything is not debatable.

But their power is an illusion. Their numbers are small. It's just that their constant noise scares the hell out of corporations. Look what's happening to Delta. They're more scared of tweets than of birds flying into their engines.

Which leads us to a new segment called This Could Very Well Be Breaking News (At Least To Us).

I just found out about this: Rob Manfred, Major League Baseball's commissioner, has said that "the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is by relocating this year's All-Star Game and MLB Draft."

"Demonstrate our values as a sport"? What does that mean in a sport where stealing bases is a virtue? The sport that was racially segregated for 70 years and pretended no players were on steroids even as their ballooning heads gave the Goodyear Blimp a complex? At least their heads swelled from growth hormone, not a sense of self-importance.

Clearly, these cowards got spooked by activists manipulating the media, because how is voter ID immoral? Try picking up nail polish remover in West Virginia without one. (Don't ask me how I know.)

And remember, the All-Star voting process allows fans to vote five times over a twenty-four hour period. That's ballot stuffing (or in Chicago, Election Day), and they want to lecture us on values. That's like me lecturing you on height. Meanwhile, the president calls Georgia's new election law "Jim Crow on steroids". Yeah, the so-called great unifier now flinging racial discord like Frisbees at a fish show.

RUBIO: MOVING ALL-STAR GAME OUT OF GEORGIA 'REEKS OF HYPOCRISY'

So screw you, MLB. Your stupid exhibition game is about as entertaining as a cornhole match on ESPN at three a.m. And screw Delta and screw Coke. In fact, screw all corporations. You stupid executives are cowards and bad golfers. You cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other. I hope Democrats raise the corporate tax rate to 99% (except on Fox, which of course should be tax exempt). 

Maybe I'm turning socialist, but after years of proclaiming corporations as engines of free markets, I realize they're actually locomotives run by meth heads who'd do anything to save their own hides. It's profit over people. No matter how many inclusion coordinators they hire, they'll turn a blind eye to China's slave labor, knowing that adding a diversity fun run to whatever History Month is currently celebrated will stoke the woke in human resources.

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It's not a principled stand. It's their way of doing business, no different than a bodega putting up a BLM sign so hopefully their store will survive the next demonstration.

Well, it's time to return the favor. That's our job, to scare the people who delight in scaring you. Sort of like an enforcer on a hockey team, but cuter. It's time to turn this one-way road into a two-way street. Think of it as part of Biden's infrastructure package, except it's real and it costs several trillion dollars less.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's monologue on the April 5, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"