Greg Gutfeld: Every banned phrase and terrified administrator is a feather in the cap of the mindless woke

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Gutfeld takes issue with university attempting to police 'offensive' speech

'Gutfled!' panel discuss at what point colleges have gone too far

So what costs 75 grand and rots your brain? Besides a three-day weekend with Hunter Biden. But if you said college, you'd be right.

Take Brandeis University, whose students and faculty are being instructed, not in expanding one's vocabulary, but shrinking it... Based on links to oppression. Some of the words they want to ban, are phrases like "trigger warning," "picnic" and "rule of thumb." 

Rule of thumb? Who does that offend other than maybe a few careless shop teachers? (Shout out to four-fingers Magee!) But all these words are somehow related to systemic oppression. 

Yes - even "trigger warning," an early wokism designed to prepare fragile students for shocking subject matter ahead – that’s now, considered shocking in itself. Because "trigger" is part of a gun. So now we need a trigger warning, for, trigger warning. How soon before we need a trigger warning for the trigger warning for the trigger warning? 

Here's my suggestion: grow the f*** up you infantile wusses. 

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The list - posted on the school's website, includes examples of phrases that appropriates cultures, excludes genders, and hurts the disabled. For example, if there's a barbershop nearby, it shouldn't be taking any "walk-in" appointments - because what if you can't walk? I mean, you could just ignore it. But that would be an adult thing to do.

It's better to feel offended. By the way - god forbid what the mere presence of the barbershop does to nearby bald people -- it's exactly how I feel when I walk by a high shelf. 

And if someone says this is nonsense - don’t say you’re "all ears" - because you’d be offending Evander Holyfield.

Other words deemed off-limits: "policeman," "congressman", and even "freshman," because of that evil man-part. Although it must be hard to decide what's the worst part of the phrase policeman is. That's like trying to figure out which is the more evil Olson twin.

Of course, if you were to compliment anyone who put this list together by saying, "you killed it," well -- how dare you equate their achievements with murder.  That’s why I only say it to Governor Cuomo.

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I'm not kidding. I suppose I shouldn't say "not kidding." How insulting is that to people who can't have children? I would say I’m "joking" but jokes are offensive to those born without a sense of humor.

They also tell people not to refer to meetings as powwows, because it appropriates Native American culture. We called Liz Warren for a comment - but her smoke signal was busy.

So - you know how there are colleges for the deaf? It appears Brandeis’s end goal is to be a school for the dumb. Let's go to the angry white male for comment.

Tom Shillue, Angry White Male: Well you know I guess I have to be brief because I checked the list and pretty much everything I say on a daily basis is on the list. That’s right, phrases like "long time, no see" and "no can do," love them phrases. But I tell you with all these restrictions, the one positive thing is I’ll probably never have to talk to one of these knuckleheads again. And yes, I checked, knuckleheads is not on the list. Honest Injun. 

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So I think I figured this out - in order to have a meaningful dialogue - just get rid of the dialogue altogether. What's left will be grunting and sighing, like the dialogues in a porno - as we regress to our infantile stages of existence. The mime industry will go belly up with everyone stealing their act. There will be no more Penns in the world, only Tellers.

So I have a word I want to ban. It's called college. Because in the old days, it meant "a place of learning." Now we know that's not the case. It's a place for ritual indoctrination into a cult of mindless conformity. Time to stop calling colleges, colleges. We need a new name. I propose "idiot farm."

Although how insulting is that to idiots. Or farmers, or cows, or cornstalks when does this madness end? Whoops - apologies, Jim Acosta. 

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But this oppressive language list can only grow. Soon it will be illegal to eat white rice. After all, once you start the game of oppressor vs oppressed, each new power-mad misery-merchant will only try to outdo their predecessors. That's the root cause of this - not fragility, but a naked thirst for power.

Every banned phrase and every terrified administrator is a feather in the cap of the mindless woke. And the more we indulge them, the more insatiable they become. It's the tyranny of the few vs the cowardice of the many.

My rule of thumb: let them destroy each other.  While we go to a picnic. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the June 25, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"