Greg Gutfeld: We live in the age of hyperbole

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. The United States today: it's Watergate, 9/11, the Civil War, the potato famine, and the cancellation of "Sex and the City" all rolled into one. Thank god, due to climate change, the world's supposed to end in eight years. That reminds me. I gotta pick up my shirts at the cleaners.

So, why is everything so bad? Because we live in the age of hyperbole. In fact, some say we’re living in the greatest, most incredible era of hyperbole since the beginning of time! In which hacks use extreme rhetoric to scare you into submission. 

If you don't wear a mask outside while jogging, you have blood on your hands! If you support the cops, you're a racist, with blood on your hands. And if you cut your finger slicing tomatoes, you have blood on your hands. (Well, that would be true.) But even more - if you disagree with Joe - you might just as well be Jefferson Davis himself.

Joe Biden, 7/13: The assault on free and fair elections is just such a threat — literally. I’ve said it before. We’re facing the most significant test of our democracy since the Civil War. It’s not hyperbole — since the Civil War.

Joe Biden literally doesn’t know the meaning of the word literally. I mean - Joe says it's not hyperbole - cuz he knew it was hyperbole the moment he said it. You could say he has hyperbole on the brain. And boy, hyperbole must be very lonely.

It's weird how a month of challenging a contentious election -- makes you worse than a pro-slavery confederate flag-waving, non-recycling Democrat. But Joe’s party spent four years doing the same thing, with the 2016 election. The irony is thicker than Brian Stelter's thighs. Still, the hyperbole continues.

Now, remember, during the Civil War - those Confederate Democrats may have owned slaves - but they never put on red hats, wandered into the capitol, and stole office supplies from Jerry Nadler! 

Joe Biden, 7/13: Confederates, back then, never breached the Capitol as insurrectionists did on January 6. I’m not saying this to alarm you. I’m saying this because you should be alarmed 

So, wait a second, pal. January 6th shouldn't have alarmed you - because, by January 6th, you should have already been alarmed. What is going on in that brain? 

True - we were already alarmed. When you, Mr. Magoo, won the election. You claimed you were a unifier, as you deemed half the country a bunch of Nazis. How is this rhetoric not an incitement? Keep going…

Joe Biden, 7/13: I never thought in my entire career I would have to say it. But I swore an oath to you and to god to preserve protect and defend the constitution. That’s an oath that forms a sacred trust to defend America against all threats both foreign and domestic. 

Dude -you wouldn't know a foreign threat if a shirtless Putin rode his horse into the oval office and took a dump on your desk. So, the problem we face as Americans today isn't us -- it's threat misdiagnosis.

Russia and China are both engaging in cyber warfare. Cuba is looking like it's ready to blow. And Haiti's president was just found dead with twelve bullets in him -- in other words, natural causes. And in a dank prison cell somewhere sits a guy who wore horns on his head at the Capitol.

But who does our fearless formerly hairless commander in chief see as being the chief threat? You and me. And the networks, surprise surprise - agree!

Lester Holt, 7/13: "the questions of when, where, and how Americans get to vote are tonight taking on greater urgency. In some of his strongest language yet, president Biden today blasting Republican efforts to restrict voting access as un-American and a test of our democracy. // David Muir, 7/13: president Biden late today in Philadelphia, the birthplace of American democracy, blasting what he calls attacks on voting rights. Republican-led efforts in more than 16 states across the country. The president and that warning, calling it the most significant test of our democracy since the civil war, saying these new laws aim to limit whether or not your vote counts at all." 

So he paints targets on you, and the media applauds. 

Anyway; we live in a time where rather than use clear, plain language to debate an issue, we resort to the language of the lawsuit: that your actions are causing irreparable harm. Biden’s administration has turned our country into an episode of divorce court. Throwing around terms like vicious and unconscionable.

The Dems accuse everyone of every horrible thing imaginable - until you sling it right back at them. Then they go from "you're an evil monster!" to " we ask that you respect our family’s privacy!" This incendiary language is spreading.

On Twitter, hyperbole powers the scalp-seeking mobs, and its stench is present in every online petition demanding a boycott. Their targets are always racist, intolerant authoritarian monsters - even when they're not in power - just ask the gurgling Gergen.

David Gergen, 7/13: What we worried about with Trump was that he was crazy, and he’s still crazy, and he was unhinged, and you know he could bring the whole system down. And he has all these authoritarian tendencies.

It's like an IV drip of concentrated "Trump derangement syndrome" is the only thing keeping that desiccated husk alive. And our hysteric-in-chief is right behind him.

Joe Biden, 7/13: The 21st-century Jim Crow assault is real. It is unrelenting. And we are going to challenge it vigorously. // we are asking my Republican friends in Congress, in states, cities, and counties to stand up for God's sake and help prevent this concerted effort to undermine our election and the sacred right to vote//have you no shame 

Have you no shame asks the hair sniffing, plagiarizing, race-baiter. So as a new report reveals that our navy is unprepared to defend our country, but is full speed ahead on anti-racism, we are being told that the enemy is within.

Never mind Russia or even China, which now boasts the world’s most fearsome navy. The real monsters drive chevy trucks, wear red hats and listen to Toby Keith. And we must all go woke, or we'll never shed our evil past.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

So rather than look forward, we focus on exorcising demons from centuries past, all of which were created by Democrats. Their hate for this country runs deeper than a Chicago pizza. 

When we inevitably become a failed superpower, at least we'll know why. We deserve it. Because we were worse than those murderous, confederate slave owners. And their corrupt, segregationist descendants. In other words, Democrats.

How’s that for hyperbole?

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the July 14, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"