GREG GUTFELD: The adults finally showed up at college campuses

Columbia University canceled graduation ceremonies thanks to the anti-Israel encampments that keep popping up like post-spring break UTIs. Now, protesters won't get to throw their keffiyeh's in the air and make the whole campus look like a Pizza Hut tablecloth. 

This after students demanded the school cancel finals and hand out passing grades so they wouldn't be traumatized by the damage they themselves inflicted. Some revolutionaries. That's like Che Guevara handing you the bill to have his beret dry-cleaned. But last week, somebody we've all been waiting for finally showed up. The adults. Remember them? They used to run things, not just pay for them. 

And what we saw was the battle between two forces – dad brain and internet brain. The internet brain is the kind that's easily susceptible to crap on the internet. It's kind of like wet brain but without the joy of earning it with Jack Daniel's. Internet brain is campus brain, social media brain, and Karen brain all held together by outrage and sob snots. The dad brain is a response to that and says, "Fine, we've heard enough, now go do your homework." And over the last few years, kids have been infected with internet brain, and now they're unleashing it on us. Internet brain tells you you're entitled to a world that matches your every desire. 

Internet brain tells you that abstract issues out there matter more than your responsibilities here. Internet brain tells you that instead of studying for finals, you should pitch a tent on your campus lawn, chant slogans about an ancient conflict you know less about than your actual major, then demand a passing grade anyway. And that if you do it loud enough, a nation of 9 million on the other side of the world will cease to exist. 

But, like, what happens when the babysitter lets you stay way past your bedtime, the fun and games are over when dad gets home, and he's patient but not that patient. So it's dad brain versus internet brain. And as everyone knows, after all the crying, screaming threats and demands, Dad's going to win, kiddies. So save yourselves a spanking.

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Let's compare internet brain and dad brain. Dad brain lays down the law when nonsense gets out of hand. No mom's ever gotten the kids in line by saying, "Wait till your non-binary community organizer gets home." Dad's brain lives in the world of paid bills, changed tires, mowed lawns; of vital things getting done. Meanwhile, internet brain has strong opinions on building a carbon-neutral tree fort written by people too weak to lift a hammer. Internet brain doesn't focus your problems, it expands them by saying the world's problems are yours. Dad brain says no, Hamas is not your beef, Mother's Day is-- get your mom a card and some flowers. 

The internet brain offers a big problem she can't handle: climate change, the Middle East, global inequality. Dad brain knows that such obsessions create anxiety and says, save us the lecture on Marxism in Peru. Have you paid your phone bill? Internet brain also forces kids to compare their lives to others, generating envy that leads to mental anguish. 

Dad brain says I know Kelly and Ashley went to Aspen on spring break, but we're going to your grandmothers. You know, that kind old lady who might not be here in a few years? Dad brain sees what the inner brain does to you. It makes you crazy, like a bad boyfriend. And dad brain is not so much enforcing discipline as calling ***. 

Most of these kids know their causes and commitment are all a show. It's the equivalent of a school play in that it's badly produced, it becomes boring and the parents aren't so much enjoying it as they are tolerating it. In fact, many of them want dad brain to knock them into line. 

And so, after weeks of Hamas cosplay, who shows up? Yep, the adults. College officials like the president of USC who told the kidiess: fun's over. As a result, USC has been cleared out twice with no injuries or riots, disappointing most of the media of course. 

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Florida has a healthy supply of adults in charge too-- where students were told their schools are "not a daycare." That's a dad brain. I'm surprised they also didn't yell at them for touching the thermostat or threatened to turn this car around. Of course the cops were massive dad brain here. No shootings, no real injuries and the sort of patience only a dad could have with brats. So, looking out over the campus landscape now, it feels like dad brain is returning. Even SNL, a show that adapts as quickly as the Dodo, had to admit, dads are right to call BS on the protests.

SNL SKIT

Not bad. At least the show's heading in the unfamiliar direction of humor. So, as the internet brain condemns fossil fuels, we need dad to tell them to buy a car that's good on gas. As internet brain tells them to eat bugs to save the Earth, dad brain has to tell them to finish their peas. 

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And when internet brain says trans females should play in women's sports, dad brain says cool, let's arm wrestle for the keys to your car. See, dad brain's not just a party pooper obsessed with consequences. That dad loves his kids enough to make sure they stop embarrassing themselves in public because the choice is between dad brains or no brains at all.